'The rules governing normal conversation can take over,

over-riding the unconventional practice

of speaking from a mindful place.'

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One of the most popular forms of communicating is the cliché, an often trite stereotyped expression, which trips readily off the tongue and implies little thought. Though usually well intended, and sometimes appropriate, the problem with clichés is that they may sound patronising to the mother and appear to invalidate her experience.

For example, being told to 'just relax and enjoy yourself' during pregnancy may be served as a kind remark, appropriate for a mother who is having an easy pregnancy. But if the stresses of pregnancy seem overwhelming, this glib remark may re-enforce the mother's frustration and guilt around not experiencing a blissful pregnancy. She may feel better supported with acknowledgement about how she feels. Encouragement and practical guidance to negotiate this difficult time might be more appreciated. She might then be able to relax and enjoy herself!

'Don't you worry about it.' 'Trust it, you'll be fine.' are similar examples of this kind of cliché. A mother who is fearful about birth, or overwhelmed in labour, is only too aware of the ideal she would like to fulfil and the goal she is oriented toward. Reminding her of her goal is fine, however resentment may ensue if we brush over her distress, or what may be a thinly disguised plea for help and guidance, or at least acknowledgement.

Constructive comments offer more strategic help:

~ 'What are your fears?'

~ 'I see it's really tough. Let's see if we can help you get back on track.'

~ 'Tell me more about your distress.'

~ 'What would you like me to say that would encourage you?'

~ 'I only have a short time with you. What would you like me to do?'

Similarly, it can be disconcerting for a mother to be told to 'just relax and let go' during labour without some practical guidance on how to do this, or without first acknowledging how tough it is, or how stuck or frustrated the mother may feel.

Perhaps a more helpful response might be:

~ 'Let's find a way to open more.'

~ 'How can I help you to let go?'

~ 'Try softening here'.

~ 'Sometimes this works really well. Would you like to try it?'

These responses also offer practical advice or skills that address individual needs.

At first glance, the clichés mentioned might not seem particularly patronising or disempowering. Most birthworkers would feel they were being positively helpful to say these things. On closer scrutiny however, we can see they are generally lacking in direction and substance.

CLICHÉ AWARENESS

1.  Think of some verbal clichés you have heard. How do you identify a cliché?

2.  What are some of your own clichéd responses?

3.  Which of these do you feel is useful? How are they useful, and to whom?

4.  Practice making a clichéd verbal response on purpose and notice what happens.

5.  We have all experienced negative consequences of using a cliché. Can you remember a specific incident where you responded with a verbal cliché and elicited an unappreciative reaction?

6.  Can you think of how you might have responded differently?

We all have reasons for using clichés; sometimes we purposefully use them and at other times succumb to using them. Below are some of the reasons we might use a cliché.

-        'I was tired, distracted.'

-        'It worked well before.'

-        'It's better to say something than nothing.'

-        'I heard someone else use it and thought it was clever.'

-        'I didn't know what else to say or do.'

-        'I thought it was funny and would keep things light.'

-        'I get caught up in the routines of work and behave in a routine way.'

-        'It helps me stay less involved.'

-        'I sometimes feel no real connection to the mother or the situation.'

Can you think of any others?

Clichés can also apply to ideas and actions. For example, we might be so caught up in routine that we ignore what is actually required of us in the moment. Or, we take up certain trends in ideas and responses without really examining what it means to us, or the mother and child. These kinds of clichés may not always be trite, but with overuse they can acquire a kind of disconnected superficiality that is oft en difficult for mothers to relate to.

As we increasingly notice verbal clichés in our communication, we also begin to notice clichés in our thoughts, actions and the way we touch.  The stories below illustrate how prevalent clichés can be. Notice also how mothers subjected to clichés have creative ways of dealing with them. How many clichéd responses can you identify in the stories below?

SHE DID IT HER WAY

Sally's first baby was born quickly in hospital. The intensity of it frightened her. But she was told many times during the labour and afterwards that hers was a 'normal' labour, that everything 'went well' and was 'just fine'.  This was not Sally's experience. She felt totally unprepared and really 'alone' in her scary experience, and it stayed with her as a great worry when she was pregnant again.

She decided to acknowledge her terror, gather birth support, and make preparations on every level. This time she wanted to journey through that previously scary place with more focus and less fear.  As she fearlessly pushed the baby out, she very gently and assertively told the doctor who asked her to get up onto the bed that she was 'fine'.  She did this three times as he continued to insist that he could not take her word for it and that he needed to examine her, as he was concerned she was not 'ready'. Eventually, he left the room without one kind or positive word before the baby was born, and without examining her.

BOOSTING MORALE

Gay went into her labour feeling a bit worn out. A very busy mother of two young children, running a business and also studying, she'd had little time to really relax through the pregnancy. However, she was very confident about the birth and her ability to 'do it'. As the labour progressed and became more intense, she was given the usual positive moral support, with quiet comments like 'oh, you're doing so well, Gay', and 'great work' – between the contractions. Everything seemed to be moving along just fine. But suddenly Gay burst out 'Oh, for goodness sake, can't you all give me a bit more encouragement! Get into it through the contractions, rather than between them.' Within a few minutes her support team were sounding like hard-core football fans at a grand final! Loud and energetic and cheering like mad. 'C'mon Gay! Go Gay! Yes Yes! Fantastic!' At the end of every contraction she looked gratefully at them and said, 'Oh, thankyou, thankyou, thankyou so much, that really helps.' Obviously, this was an unusual style of support, but it worked perfectly for her. It was the 'energy boost' she needed to help carry her through a labour that might have felt it was otherwise dragging along.